This is a bitter-sweet month for myself and my family. Next week will be two years since my Mom passed. It took me a long time to admit to anyone (and it wasn't many) that I was having a hard time the first year. I was telling everyone that I was fine, when of course I wasn't. I didn't want to talk or see anyone, but life must go on when you have a family. If I didn't have any responsibilities I would have shut myself in my room and never came out. I knew better! I knew my Mom wouldn't want that for me or from me. She wanted me to live a happy life with my family. She would want me to make memories with my kids. She would want me to give all of me to them and not just 10%.
So I picked up many hobbies/distractions. I began sewing and started getting crafty again. I picked up some books to read (Twilight, more than just a good book, my life-saver). All of these things, my Mom was good at. I'd hoped that I could become as great as she was at these things. For a year I distracted myself.
Then came the beginning of year two. I slowly was getting better. I didn't run from anyone in the grocery store, I wasn't afraid to talk about it or her anymore.
Most of you probably wouldn't have even known that I was having troubles. I hid it pretty well. Which brings me to a favorite quote. A friend contacted me when my Mom passed and told me about her friend who had lost a baby. She said read her blog and see if it helps you. This girl who was going through a loss also, said something that explained exactly how I was feeling. It's stuck with me all this time;
"It has been interesting to just go to the grocery store or be out in public knowing that all the pain I have inside is completely unknown to most people I come in contact with. There is no outward indication of what is going on in my heart. As I watch people now, I find myself wondering what they might be experiencing that goes unnoticed to everyone else. If I can feel such intense heartache and still appear to be functioning normally I wonder what all these "normal looking" people are thinking about, worrying about, what burdens are weighing them down"Do you ever stop to think about what a stranger or a friend might be going through?
Well here I was getting better...then this week I was hit with something hard. I won't go into detail but for the last three days I have felt like that first year all over again.
I'm numb, again.
I'm hurt, again.
I'm making myself function when I don't want to.
I just can't believe that I could be back in this state.
A friend of mine recently went through some personal stuff and we both talked about how you never know what anyone could be dealing with.
For two years now I constantly look at people and wonder what there life is like. Are they going through hard times right now.
Today I finally decided to write about it because I had a moment where I knew that I can overcome this. My family can overcome this. When hard times come, we fight together and stay strong.
