Every Morning...

Every morning I wake up... (Folgers commercial)
I'm still here.
She's not.
It's not a dream.
During the day I'm doing okay. It's the mornings that are the worst!
I'm waking up at the crack of dawn and can't go back to sleep.
So I lay there and just think and get all my tears out.
Then I get up and begin to write. It's helping me to get through this.
Today is going to be hard. I don't want to go to church.
Too many people.
Don't know what to say.
Don't want to talk.
Want to RUN!
But we're all going for Mom. She would be there no matter what, so we will go.
Yesterday I was strong.
Kenny was talking to me and he asked, "Do you think they have Harry Potter in Heaven"?
Me: (choked up) yeah, maybe, sure!
Kenny: "because Grandma didn't get to see the last movie."
I fought back those tears and just smiled at him.
I can't even start thinking about what she will miss.
Even though everyone keeps saying she's watching us.
I'd rather her be here and apart of it!
yesterday I had a mad moment.
I'm worried there will be more.
I don't want to be mad.
I just keep thinking what if we could have had another week, day or hour.
That day I was so busy with Christina I hardly got to talk to her.
About a week ago she wanted to tell me something and I only got about 10 minutes with her because Christina was calling me.
I use to have to run from room to room, between the two of them they keep me busy.
We never got to finish our talk.
Like I said I only held her hand before she left.
She told me to take care of her house and I'll see your tomorrow.
Translation: "Take care of my house and everyone in it and I will see you again."
I knew deep down she wasn't coming back! I went straight up to my room (after they left) and cried!
Well I guess I should try and get the day started.