pics

Every Morning...

Every morning I wake up... (Folgers commercial)
I'm still here.
She's not.
It's not a dream.
During the day I'm doing okay. It's the mornings that are the worst!
I'm waking up at the crack of dawn and can't go back to sleep.
So I lay there and just think and get all my tears out.
Then I get up and begin to write. It's helping me to get through this.
Today is going to be hard. I don't want to go to church.
Too many people.
Don't know what to say.
Don't want to talk.
Want to RUN!
But we're all going for Mom. She would be there no matter what, so we will go.
Yesterday I was strong.
Kenny was talking to me and he asked, "Do you think they have Harry Potter in Heaven"?
Me: (choked up) yeah, maybe, sure!
Kenny: "because Grandma didn't get to see the last movie."
I fought back those tears and just smiled at him.
I can't even start thinking about what she will miss.
Even though everyone keeps saying she's watching us.
I'd rather her be here and apart of it!
yesterday I had a mad moment.
I'm worried there will be more.
I don't want to be mad.
I just keep thinking what if we could have had another week, day or hour.
That day I was so busy with Christina I hardly got to talk to her.
About a week ago she wanted to tell me something and I only got about 10 minutes with her because Christina was calling me.
I use to have to run from room to room, between the two of them they keep me busy.
We never got to finish our talk.
Like I said I only held her hand before she left.
She told me to take care of her house and I'll see your tomorrow.
Translation: "Take care of my house and everyone in it and I will see you again."
I knew deep down she wasn't coming back! I went straight up to my room (after they left) and cried!
Well I guess I should try and get the day started.

A Great Night!

I woke up this morning and heard the birds. Mom use to love to hear the birds!
Yesterday morning I was sitting in the kitchen and just looking around and everything I saw reminded me of her. Mostly her purse, baskets (that she kept buying and I said there were too many), Checkbook (sitting on a shelf(she loved to spend $) and pictures of everyone (she loved to have photos around her). I then started thinking of all the recent purchases she made and how there just going to sit there (I will leave them in their same spot). I also couldn't help but think how I have to eventually go through her stuff.
I've only been in her room a couple of times since Wednesday. It's hard, I have to see her personal stuff. Her chair, her make-up, her side of the bed. I caught my husband standing in her doorway. I asked him, "what ya doing"? He said, "Oh, just looking, I use to come and peek/check on her like this."
Yesterday I got a glimpse of myself and realized I look a lot like her. Except the nose, I didn't get her nose. I have a Salazar nose along with my brother Steve (we look like Salazar's). That's why we're the pretty ones!
So on to last night. We had an amazing night!
A friend came over and helped us prepare the eulogy. I wasn't sure how it was going to go. he got us talking about Mom all night! We had so much fun with the stories, memories and sharing our love for her. We sat there all night (for hours)!
It's been the best part out of all this!
I know it made her happy!

Services

Services will be Monday at the Fairfield church on building @ 12pm

Another Day

Mom,
Well today is Friday. It still feels like a dream, maybe your on vacation and I'll see you soon.
It's getting easier every day, hour, second.
Only half of yesterday, I cried.
Well there was so much to do.
Sorry if I didn't have any tears from some of you. That was probably weird, wanting to console me and I was pretty calm.
I went to Oakland yesterday, Ken drove. We went to get some new clothes to bury you in.
Jared is here, Grandma is here, Linda is here. Everyone is coming.
Their emotions are a day behind us. They've had less time to deal with things.
Wow, last night I was so tired. I even started to feel sick, nasueas.
I slept the whole night, so did Christina.
The phone has been ringing none stop.
A lot of love and support have been sent our way and yours.
It's been great!
It's been hard, to hear how they feel, too.
Everyone loved you, as much as we did.
I feel lost!
Are you watching us?
What are you doing?
Christina hasn't shown that she realizes your gone. What do i do when she does. How do I stop her from looking, when will she stop looking?
Can you believe Steve got in an accident?
We always worry when they're on bikes.
He's okay, hardly a scratch on him.
Dad says your were watching out for him.
Luckily no one has to go to work or school right now.
What happens when they do?
Life goes on I guess.
But I'll be here in this quiet, empty house.
How will Dad stay busy?
I guess I'm using a whole new bacth of tears today.
yesterday I had none left.
Well on with the day, I guess.
Love you!
Your Daughter

My Mom

A Memory!

I took these photos of Christina on her 2nd birthday. I feel so bad for her, she won't even remember this, maybe even her (my Mom). I was 7 when I lost my Grandpa and I barely remember it. I remember crying all the way to LA from Lompoc, CA. I remember running around my Grandma's house with cousins. I remember my Grandpa taking me for donuts in his truck.
Hopefully I can help her to remember someday!

Beautiful Mother!

I don't have any pics of my Mom she would want me to put up. So here's something for now.

Can't sleep

i can't sleep can you tell. I just keep thinking and been emailing everyone.
I remembered this morning how I use to pick my Mom up last year to get her out of the house. I would bring her over to my house and let her hang out there. She would watch Christina run around the house and make a mess and then we would sit and watch this program together with the boys. She liked coming over and watching us act as a family.
I've spent the last 3-4 years in and out of my Mom's house (living). At times I would be upset that we couldn't have our own place but now I kow it was a blessing. I got to spend the last few years very close to her!
I guess we'll be going to Apple Hill by ourselves!

Too Quiet!

the house is to quiet! I got up and the machines aren't on. the house hasn't been this quiet in years. Only when she goes to the hospital, but in a couple of days she comes back. Not this time! My son(s) cried themselves to sleep tonight, one said it's too quiet!
Just when I think I have no more tears, they come! This feels like a BAD dream! I just kept thinking this is a bad joke and show me to her room! How did I know today wasn't great. I Should have hugged her and only held her hand. Well at least I did that cause my brothers didn't even get to see her today.
At the hospital I didn't think I could be strong and then I came home to tell my kids and I was and I said everything my Dad said. "We'll be okay, She's better, She's at peace"! I looked at him crazy because I thought how could we be okay, how is it better, yes I know she's at peace, but I'm not okay!
Each second is getting better, I think!
I told you I'm not ready to do this!
I remembered something this evening, though!
My Mom was 30 something when she lost her father. Now she is with him again and the sister I never met!
I wonder if she's okay
Recently I dealbt with Matt's death and I believe it was preparing me because I was not facing death well before. It made me start to think and I didn't want to!
Ever since then I knew things weren't right.
So I can say it is nice to see her without her oxygen machines and she must be happier not struggling.
I just can't imagine 20-30 years from now. She's suppose to be here!
Disclaimer;
Please forgive me if I don't answer your emails, but I do appreciate the prayers and good thoughts.
I love you Mom!

Why?

Why Me?
Why my Mom?
Why my family?
It's been (going on) 5 years now that she's been sick. I remember when it started; My Dad was turning 50 and we were throwing him a big party. My Mom and I were cleaning the house, getting ready for guest and she said "It's getting hard to breathe". We both thought a cold or something but I said she needed to go to the doctors. She said after the party.
Well it turned into pneumonia which turned into a lupus diagnosis, then a rare lung disease (final) diagnosis. It's been a huge roller coaster ride since then. The first year wasn't so bad and then she got really sick, in and out of the hospital. We finally hit a plateau a couple of years ago and now she has been losing her strength.
I have been avoiding talking about it as much as possible because I'm not ready to lose my Mom, my only true best friend. She knows me so well, we even finish each others sentences. She always knows what to say to me when I'm having a rough time. I just can't imagine not being able to call her when I need to make a decision.
There's still so much for my Mom to see and do;
1.see and help us- kids, grand kids. Some of my brothers are still trying to find their way. I don't know how to help them, she does! Half of them don't like to hear what I have to say because I tell it like it is and she is soft spoken.
2.places to go- we go every year to apple hill as a family, we missed last year and she really wants to go this year.
And what about a girls weekend, I've never had one with my Mom, I want one!
3. Cook! I'm learning what I should have learned years ago, but I was too stubborn. I still don't know if I can make the tamales, tortillas, pies like she can. I need her there every step of the way making sure I'm doing it right.
4. Sewing! I didn't keep up with it and now I want to know how, again. I hate threading that machine and bobby (not sure about spelling), I always had her do it!
I can not imagine my family without her.
She the glue, the rock, the key to our existence, our happiness.
I live for her sweetness, smile, laugh (which is hard to do right now), energy, guidance, etc...

Youth Etiquette Dinner

Our ward put on an etiquette dinner for the youth and I just had to take photos. They had a lot of fun and laughs. We had a speaker talk about the importance of etiquette, respect and manners. We also had a skit and it was so funny!
I have to give props to Jenni and Elise for putting it together, great job guys!

Not the only one!

Well I was glad to see that Hubby and daughter weren't feeling so great also! I spent most of the day on the couch watching movies. Luckily Christina was real nice and just hung out and played quietly.
I watched 3 episodes of Gilmore Girls from the last season that I missed. Yeah, my favorite show and I don't even know how it ended. I rented the season at the library and I'm trying to catch up before I have to return it. This show just cracks me up!
Did you know I figured out Christina's name because of it, why not name your daughter after ya!
I also started Across the Universe. Not bad, if you like hippie stuff! Yeah, I'm not big on the hippie thing but I do enjoy the music and story!
I then spent the evening crying during One Tree Hill. It was a funeral and it was sad. Then it was CSI:Miami and "H" got shot! Are you kidding, I've missed most of last season and I try to catch up and they shoot H! He's the whole show so they can't kill him or can they? Has anyone heard, are they cancelling the show?
Well it's been awhile since I've been able to watch so much tv- it was great!

Is It A Bug?

Well I sure didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Christina kept crying all night. Then I was suppose to go to workout and I just couldn't make myself get dressed. So I canceled workout.
Do I have a bug or something? My stomach is feeling whoozy (is that a word) and I have a headache.
All I know that better be it and nothing else!

Cute Little Niece!

So we had a family dinner and luckily everyone pretty much left the table. My niece was told to stay and finish her meal. Here's the conversation;
Niece: (out of the blue) Auntie Raychel, your feet don't touch the ground!
Me: Thanks, aren't you suppose to be eating?
Everyone: Laughing hysterically!
I have such a cute little niece who loves to avoid eating!

Glasses for Mateo

Well finally I gave in and made Mateo an eye appointment. He has been complaining for months that he couldn't see the board at school and books. Last year I had him checked and they told me that pretty soon he would need glasses but not yet (it wasn't strong enough).
So he was just checked and we came out with a prescription. He is so happy... and that's why you always question kids. You just wonder if they think it's cool to have glasses or cool to have crutches.
Remember those days!
So in a couple of weeks he will have a new pair of glasses. What's funny is Kenny got his glasses at the same age and grade. What's even more interesting is that myself and hubby don't need or ever had glasses.
So I had to ask the doctor, "Is this something more common in kids who play computers and video games"?
He said, "Yes"!
I wouldn't doubt it, with the amount of time they spend on the computer, video games and tv, why wouldn't they need glasses!
Well as soon as we receive them I'll have to post pics of Kenny and Mateo in their glasses.

It's not easy!

It's so easy to tell others (when they lose someone), they're in a better place, you'll see them one day, we're all here for you, etc...
But when it hits close to home, you just shake your head and ask "why?"
Why him?
Why now?
Why that way?
It hurts to know, someone that was trying to make a change, live his life well, never hurt anyone could leave this world so harshly!
I have to ask/wonder if it was a wake-up call to us/others/the city to do as he did-make a difference!
It is amazing how others thought of him. There isn't a harsh word out there about him! Anyone who met him liked him! I know God has a plan for you, Matt, and I know you'll follow him/it! You were a great Man! I miss your presence here on earth, but know that you made a difference!

Wedding Pics!

Disclaimer; these are not photos by your one and only!
This is my hubby's work!

RIP, Matt!

(I forgot I had these photos of Matt. He was recently at a wedding I did photos.)
It's still not clear if they've taken him off life support. I was so hoping he would be a miracle walking soon!
I'm going to miss your smile, Matt!

Prison Break, Plus More!

Prison Break was new last night and it was Great! I just love that show and I'm waiting for my other favs to come back.


Just to name a few!

They're Back!

New Kids On The Block were on The View this morning! Now I'm not too sure about their new cd but I was a huge fan years ago! I had every cd, poster, button, even the jacket! I was also privileged to attend a concert, thanks Mom!
I use to take my cds (oh wait they weren't cds then they were cassettes) everywhere! I would sing and dance in my room, front yard, and car! I'm sure my brothers were plenty sick of hearing them.
My Mom even enjoyed they're Christmas album, funny!
So this morning they were still HOT as ever! I don't know what it is about a group of guys dancing and singing 'nsync! (no pun intended)!

New Toy!

Here's my new toy. I'm so excited! We finally decided it was time. I haven't been able to run my photoshop due to no space on the computer. I can't wait to get it all set up and running! Now I can get all my photos to one computer. Right now I have them on 2 different computers and 1 external hard drive.
Only one rule applies to this new comp- NO KIDS ALLOWED!

In Shock!

Matt Garcia
Here is a young man at the age of 21, was elected to the Fairfield City Council. We believe he was the youngest councilman elected in the state of California, not yet proven.
I knew him when he was in HS and working at Chevys as a host. He was such a sweet young man, very energetic and fun to be around! When I saw him running for city council I said, "You go"! I of course voted for him. I believed he could make a change and stand up for us younger folks and teenagers.
He was constantly involved with the youth, making programs and facilities available to the youth.
I'm sad to say he was shot last night and is in critical condition. I only hope that he will make it and that he was meant to do more!

Wedding Over!

Well we made it to the wedding! Everyone said it turned out great! I'm just glad it's over! Of course you know we had to start late. I was so determined to start everything on time. Well the food was 2 hours behind schedule, we didn't get my Mom to the wedding till 11am (start time), my Dad didn't get there till 11:15, the ring got lost in the grass right when we were ready (thanks Janice C. for finding it). Besides all of the late start/trouble it flowed really well! I'm downloading the photos right now and will post them later. Hopefully they turned out decent, seeing as I didn't take most of them. My hubby was the photographer seeing as I was in the wedding party! Whoo... I can breathe now!

Mrs.Trouble

Or should I say "in to trouble"!
I left her alone for 10-15 minutes and I find her in the bathroom. She was washing off the chapstick she put on her feet. Amazing how she knew to fill the sink and plug it. I already knew she could climb up on the counter.
I just can't leave her alone!

Slideshow

New Floor!

Well we had a new floor put in my Mom's kitchen and front entry yesterday. It took all day! I had to keep the kids out of the house, so we went to the park, lunch and Samantha's. Thanks to all who kept us busy!
When I got back I decided to try and help grout the tile, here are some pics!
Heads-up Tip:
Once you've grouted there can't be any traffic on the floor for 24 hours and no furniture for 48 hrs. What! This house has 11 people in it!
If we knew that we would of sent everyone on vacation!

LDS Women site!

LDS Our Ladies Room
I found this website it's pretty cool! You can meet ladies around the world who are LDS. Thought you might like to know about it!

Sew Like The Wind!

Do you remember "the 3 amigos"?
When the ladies are sewing the costumes and they said "sew like the wind"!
We were saying it all week. We're just about done w/ the dresses.
Grandma just went home today, Thanks Grandma!
While we were sewing the nice, expensive machine froze up.
So we had to pull out the old fashion one! It still works!

Schools Back!

School starts next week. We got most of the shopping done and we just went to the school to pick up the schedules. Mateo is in the 6th grade and at the middle school with Kenny. We were dreading his schedule because we had issues with some 6th grade teachers. We got so lucky; not on our schedule, yeah!
Kenny is now in the 8th grade, that is just amazing! My BABY! I can not believe next year he will be in high school.
As of this moment I am also done with elementary for 3 years. Unbelievable!
Well here's to the new school year!=)

Yum-O!

My Grandma just got in for a quick visit. We needed her to save us from these dresses. We need 5 dresses made for the wedding on the 30th and they're not done.
It's Grandma to the rescue!
Since she's here, we also get GOOD food! How about homemade tortillas, YUM!
Christina and Mateo had a blast helping! I had to take some photos!
Here's also a pick from the park, too cute!

Still Round!

So this might be too much info but why do I still feel like a round, plump chica?
Over the past eight months I've lost 25-30 lbs and dropped 2 cup sizes, I should be jumping for joy, right?
I'm not! I don't feel like I've lost any weight. When I look at myself I still see a round face and body.
Where is my cute little, hourglass body?
Well I guess I should just be happy my hubby likes and enjoys my body no matter what size! LOL!

Magnetics!

This is what the kids are stuck on lately, even Christina! We've had these for years and now they are just pulling them out and using them.
Actually Christina found them and the craze began.
I had them hidden for awhile because I was worried about "someone" eating them.
Did you see that House episode, where the boy ate all the magnets?
Wasn't a good thing!

New dress+New hair do= Cousin Quality Time!

I took the kids school shopping and Christina got a new dress. (check out Fallas in VV, Alamo Center- great finds!)
My niece came over and played dress up with Christina. They had a blast and I never knew her hair could go in 2 ponytails. They were so cute I had to take pics!

Girlfriends...Come and Go!

Well Kenny picked a great girl but his cute, little puppy love has ended!
Kenny: Mom I"ve gotta tell you something!
Me: (Gulp!) "Okay" (thinking- what could it be)
Kenny: We've broken up!
Me: How are you?
Kenny: I"m good, it was fun! Mom...I don't think I'm going to do the back to back thing!
Me: That's smart, just wait for the real NICE ones! (Whoo!)
I've raised a real SMART guy!

My All-Star

Wedding Pic

All-Stars, Moving, Weddings, etc...

Well so much has happened, where do I start?
All-Stars ended quick for Kenny and his team. This was Kenny's 3rd time on All-Stars and will be his last for little league. He will be in Babe-Ruth next year! He's getting so much older!
I just dropped him off at 4:45 AM this morning to go to camp for a WEEK! I'm just dying to know how he is doing and I miss his sweet face. I know that he will have a great experience.
Moving went as well as could be expected! We're out of our rental and back at my Mom's (for the 3rd time). Still looking for our first home to purchase. "Where are you, little house"?
Weddings are always a blast to attend but this one was double the pleasure! My friend's daughter got married and they asked me to do the photos, my first professional wedding! I was so scared! It turned out great and was a pleasure to attend and photograph!
Quilt Making was something I thought old women did but now I'm so juiced at learning the skill. I took a class up at the church and I'm working on Christina's princess quilt. Next will be the boys quilts. Here's my new hobby!
The ER is never fun! Well I was just there at 3 AM with Mateo and his horrible asthma cough. He's had two breathing treatments in the past four days. It's finally under control with some oral steroids. The doctor is sure to explain to him that "it won't make you buff", thank you Barry Bonds! I still don't think I've caught up in those 5 lost hours of sleep!
Well I think that's just about it. It's been a crazy couple weeks, I'm glad it is finally over! Back to normal, I hope!

Words, Words, Words!

Well we started speech for Christina and it's going great! It's only been a couple of weeks and right away she started major jibber jaber! She's just talking away in her language, means she's trying. Then the other day she actually said a two word sentence, "Mom, Move"!
We couldn't believe it, finally a sentence! Of course we would of been more happy if she added "Please"!
I am not complaining!
Now she's saying, "help", along w/ the sign(ing) and "all done" (w/ sign). YEAH!
We have progress!

Moving Right Along!

Well we found a house and put an offer on it!
I always said I wouldn't live in Suisun (windy city), but it just might happen. Well at least I won't have to run my AC as much, that's a plus! I'll let you know in a couple of weeks if we got it!

Great News!

Kenny made All-Stars! This is his 3rd season making the team. He's so excited! Unfortunately Mateo did not. We were so hoping this would be the year for him. Hopefully next year! He played so well this year. He's had a tough year; inexperienced coach, loses over wins, not wanting to play. Well I had many talks with him about hanging in there and we won't always work with someone we like or get along with.
Sorry but at this age that's really hard to understand!
Well stay tuned for game updates!

So Exhausting!

Who knew house hunting was so time-consuming! Ken just keeps reminding me "that 20 years ago they HAD to go look at every house, at least we have the internet to help us narrow it down".
We're still trying to decide which city and school would be best or that we could deal with. I remember when the kids were little we could live just about anywhere and it didn't matter. Now we have to worry about what schools their attending, where they will get the best education and not be in danger.
It's so scary not knowing where we'll be in a few months. I know I'm not the only one going through that, right now.
What's more frustrating is that finally we get to look at homes and most of them are bank owned and ruined.
The other day we thought we found "The House" and then we got a glimpse of the neighbors...Hoodlums, Gangster! No WAY!
Well the search goes on!

Homeowners? Hmm, Maybe!

Well I don't know what we're doing but we are looking at the possibility of purchasing a home. Why, not when your mortgage can be the same as rent right now! It is so scary! We talked to a loan officer and we will be meeting our realtor this week.
Well if it's meant to be, it's meant to be!
*Please bear with me as I may have a lot of "down" time! I'm told that this can be a very emotional time and you know me, "Emotional"!

Summer Fruit

Just 3 of the 4 fruit trees in my backyard. I just thought it was amazing to see them (apple, apricot, grapes) in their beginning stages. We probably won't be around to see the end product. Although we did get to enjoy the "Sour" oranges/tangerines!

3.9!

I can't believe it, we actually had an earthquake that we could actually feel. So many times they say there was an earthquake and I never feel it.
We were all home and in the kitchen and the whole house seemed to shift with a loud sound! The boys finally get to know what it's like to be in an earthquake. Christina was just doing her thing and didn't even know it happened.
I remember my first one back in the late 80's in Pasadena. I was visiting my aunt and we were home alone. This was an OLD house and everything shook and walls came falling down. I had never experienced one before and I told everyone to run outside. Later I was told you should stay inside.
What an experience that was! I wasn't in California when the quake of "89 happened. I missed it by 2-3 months.
I'm glad there was no serious damage just an experience this time!

My boys are getting older!

Yep, Kenny made it home okay and had a blast! I tried my best all day not to think about him being gone too much, it helped.
Well he had his first big experience away from home, unsupervised. I think it went well for the both of us.
I'm getting better at this. Just in time, too. Mateo is coming up to middle school...agh!
My boys are getting so old! I just want to keep them young and cute. I can't imagine in two years Kenny will be a freshman!
At least I still have my 2 year old...who's turning 3 soon! Whah!
I'm okay, really!

A Great Conference!

Well I didn't make it to temple night, I didn't make it to saturday session,
but I did make it the special sunday session with Elder Richard Hinckley!
It was for a small group and I thought we qualified. As you know Kenny was at Great America Saturday and got home late. That wasn't going to stop me.
I did get some complaints when I woke them up at 7am but I quickly explained to them the special opportunity they had.
"You will remember this day for the rest of your life", I told them.
Not many people get the chance to be face to face with an apostle. We were even able to shake his hand at the end. Great experience!
Then we went straight to the regular session. What an inspirational day!
I believe the boys now believe that it was well worth it to lose some sleep.